


Settling For Less

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Adoptive Parents - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cultural Differences, Emotional Hurt, Happy Ending, Hurt Jim, Hurt/Comfort, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is a Good Friend, Love, M/M, Marriage, Matchmaking, Misunderstandings, Sacrifice, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-22
Updated: 2004-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23019190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Kirk bonds with Spock even though he warns that he can't return Kirk's affection.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 2
Kudos: 354





	Settling For Less

“You’re home,” Kirk said in Vulcan, as he exited their kitchen to greet his bondmate. A few months back, as Spock had started his journey of self discovery and his pursuit of logic, he had also stopped talking Standard in private with Kirk, switching instead to Vulcan. This had prompted Kirk to do the same in a stubborn effort to show Spock that, though he was human, he could do anything a Vulcan bondmate could do for him, and do it better.

Kirk forced a smile and kissed Spock lightly on the lips, by now used to Spock simply standing there and being unreceptive as if this human ritual of greeting was something he had to endure to move on. As so often before Kirk longed for how things had been when they had first bonded. Though Spock had never been verbal with his love and had only been affectionate in touch when they were alone, and even then with limits, it had still been so much more than this.

He clearly recalled that in the beginning of their marriage Spock had seemed to enjoy this ritual greeting even if he found it illogical. 

“That much is evident,” Spock replied calmly as Kirk drew back from him. Trying to hide his hurt at the continued distance, Kirk walked into the kitchen, Spock following behind.

“So, did you have a good day?” Kirk asked as he served dinner for them both. As he always got home first lately he had been the one to make dinner since he had the time for it. Suddenly, as he seated himself across from an unreadable and silent Spock, Kirk longed more than ever for Earth and its freedoms instead of the distance and discipline of Vulcan. The vegetarian dish he had prepared for them which he had made before and used to like now seemed to taste like ash in his mouth. After his bonding, he had started eating vegetarian dishes in an effort to connect to Spock and often he wouldn’t miss eating meat but tonight he missed it more than ever.

“It was a satisfactory day,” Spock replied evenly as they ate in otherwise silence.

Knowing it was customary to talk very little during meals on Vulcan, Kirk remained silent, his eyes settling on the setting sun outside the window instead of on Spock, finding it too painful to watch the man he loved be so closed off to him. When they had first bonded Spock had kept his side of the bond open so Kirk could feel warm feelings from him. He was unable to tell what and for whom those warm feelings were for because they came to Kirk simply as an image of well being but they had made him feel loved and wanted. Now Spock had closed the link and the loss of it made him feel cold inside. Sometimes, like now, he wondered why he kept holding on but he had never been one to give up. He found he couldn’t give up on Spock even if he wanted to. As long as he had the smallest part of Spock it was better than having nothing at all. 

Clinging to that thought for dear life, Kirk made it through the evening. Spock went to study some journals after dinner and Kirk gave up trying to make small talk. He had a hard time trying to control his temper when he knew Spock knew what he meant. Spock had been around humans long enough to know what polite conversation was but he refused to admit that he understood the concept, instead just saying that a conversation without any real meaning was illogical and therefore should not be held. Kirk’s hope that they’d get some time to really be together when they both went to bed had shattered along with all his other hopes for a change that he had had over the last few months. Many times when he went to bed Spock said that he had things to study and would remain up all night. 

The evening seemed long to Kirk even though it was only a few hours. The distance between Spock and himself was only a few meters yet it could just as well have been light-years. Finally Kirk rose from the chair in the living room where he had been pretending to read a classic Terran book that his mother had send him as a birthday present.

“Well, I think I will retire. Join me?” Kirk asked with a seductive wink he had to force forth because of his nervousness that Spock would deny him. He couldn’t keep the hope out of his voice and eyes when he looked at his Vulcan mate.

However Spock barely looked up from the paper he was reading.

“Very well. I shall join you later,” Spock simply said, his eyes still on his paper.

Kirk felt his heart sink and hurt was clearly visible in his eyes if Spock had only looked at him. This was the third night in a row Spock had declined a direct invitation. Kirk knew that Spock knew what his invitation meant; he had offered early in their bonding and Spock had used to be eager to accept. The rejection hurt even more because he knew Spock remembered; Vulcans had an exceptionally good memory.

“Are you trying to avoid me?” Kirk asked, with forced teasing in his voice, trying to hide his pain. 

Spock finally lifted his head; his expression closed as he merely raised an eyebrow. “You are my bondmate. It would be illogical to avoid you now that I have chosen you as such. However as a Vulcan I do not require as much sleep as humans do.” Spock’s voice was as controlled and even as ever and not even Kirk’s desperate search for any emotions in his voice or face uncovered anything. 

“Well…goodnight then.” Giving up, Kirk left for the bedroom he shared with Spock and lay down to sleep alone in the cold big bed. Suddenly his positive thoughts about his private life that he had had before his bonding seemed like more of a fairytale than any amount of elves, princesses, trolls or dragons could ever be.

Kirk sighed. Though they lived together he saw less of Spock now than he had before they had bonded. Though they should get off work at the same time, lately Spock always managed to get home an hour or two later than he should have. Kirk had tried not to recall that Spock’s former would-be-bondmate, T’Pring, actually lived in the same town as they did. To believe infidelity was the reason for Spock’s coldness towards him would be substituting an emotion for a lack of one and Spock was becoming more and more non-emotional as the days passed. Kirk tried to be patient. He could understand that being half Vulcan and half human would be hard given how different the two cultures were. He could also understand that Spock had a hard time fitting in and that he wanted once and for all to find his place in the galaxy.

He had always known Spock wanted to be Vulcan. He had always tried to hide and disregard his human half and had on more than one occasion admitted to feeling shame in regard to his human emotions. However, Kirk had to admit that he had never thought Spock would try to rid himself of all emotions. He had even mentioned the Kolinahr discipline the other day, making Kirk fear that he would lose what little part of Spock he still had.

Kirk shook his head, forcing his grim thoughts away. Maybe things would get better tomorrow. He didn't really believe they would but the thought still gave him enough comfort that his exhaustion could force him asleep despite his original plan to wait for Spock to join him.

*

“Spock, we need to talk.” Kirk had been warming up to this conversation for more than two months now but he still felt nervous and uncomfortable saying these words even though his mind was made up. Somehow saying them out loud and then in Vulcan made it all seem more formal. 

Spock looked up from his work. “Then speak.”

Kirk took a deep breath and seated himself across from Spock at the table in their living room. It was late, past midnight but Kirk knew he had to say this before it was too late, literally as well as figuratively. “The Enterprise will be ready to leave on a new 5 year mission in a month’s time,” he began, starting off with a safe subject. 

A guarded look entered Spock’s eyes. “I am aware of this.”

“You also know that I intend to get her back,” Kirk said, some of his old determination shining through in his words. Not even the Vulcan language could take out the emotions that he had never been able to hide from his voice. 

“Our bonding prevents me from going to Gol to complete the Kolinahr ritual as our bond would distract me too much to complete it. However, I should like to finish the exercises some of the Masters have been teaching me here.” Though Spock's voice was calm there was a flash of emotion running through his eyes.

Yet for Kirk it came too late. He took a deep breath to ensure he didn’t yell but his anger remained. Over the last months, despair and frustration had slowly become anger; an emotion Kirk had a more difficult time keeping as much control over as Vulcan custom dictated. He recalled his mom had once told him that having loud heated debates or arguments with your lover was a good thing for it cleansed the air. The only problem was the Vulcan way of life prevented that from being an option. 

“If you get more emotionless you’ll become a robot,” Kirk mumbled, as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. The man before him had went from being a stranger to a friend to a lover and then with brutal force back to being a stranger again. 

Spock raised a surprised eyebrow. During the four years they had been bonded Kirk had never before lost his temper. In fact he had been a good bondmate even by Vulcan standards and Spock had never had anything to complain about in that regard. Since he had never complained, Spock had assumed Kirk was content as well. To assume otherwise would be illogical.

“You knew I was Vulcan when you agreed to bond with me.”

“Yes but you weren’t this much Vulcan then,” Kirk said, letting all his pain and frustration show in his voice and face. "I love you, Spock and I probably always will but this battle…the most important battle of my life…I seem to have lost it.” His voice was soft and sounded endlessly sad.

“I do not understand,” Spock admitted. ”I have not taken any decision from you or forced you to make any decision which would be uncomfortable for you.”

“No and I see now that it wasn’t really your fault…it wasn’t anyone’s fault. You never claimed to be anything but Vulcan.” Kirk took a deep breath. “I guess I just always thought that for me…you might change a little like I have changed for you.”

Spock was unable to find a suitable reply and instead settled for something else; logic. “It was you who rescued Saavik during a four week undercover mission for Starfleet 6.52 Solar months ago. It was also you who wished us to adopt her. This behavior would indicate a lasting commitment and a sense of contentment with the present situation.”

Kirk nodded. He had happily accepted the mission, relieved to have something else besides his failure to reach Spock to occupy his thoughts. He had not only wanted to adopt the half-Romulan, half-Vulcan girl because he had become attached to her since he had rescued her but having a child Spock and he could call theirs had been his last and desperate plan to try and make his relationship with Spock work. However, as always with failing relationships, adding children to the mix was never a lasting solution.

“I know. I’ll take her with me to Earth. I doubt you’ll miss her since you’ve never seemed to connect to her.” Spock was about to comment but Kirk interrupted. ”I know our bond is unbreakable or at least only breakable with great risk to us both and I will not try to break it.” He was silent for a few seconds before he added, “I knew from the start that our bond, our marriage was forever and exclusive and I will keep to that vow I made the day we bonded.”

“That is a strong vow to undertake. You are still a young man.” Spock wasn’t really sure what he was trying to say but a fear of loss was beginning to creep over him.

Kirk’s eyes flamed with anger as he thought he knew in what direction Spock’s concern lay. “I’ve never cheated on anyone and I will not start with you!” He gave Spock a hard look, not sure how to take Spock's words and his face was as it had been for a long time unreadable to him. Some of his anger cooled as a thought hit him, “You don’t want me but you don’t want anyone else to have me, is that it?”

“Vulcans do not share their bondmates,” Spock said stiffly.

Kirk laughed humorlessly, a hard look in his eyes. “Not to worry, t’hy’la,” he managed to get the once so beloved name that Spock now no longer called him to be filled with venom and Spock almost flinched, “fool that I am I actually still have feelings for you.”

Though he knew he shouldn’t still have those emotional reactions, Kirk’s words of assurance still made Spock feel relieved. “How will you explain your leaving?” Spock forced himself to ask though he didn’t want Kirk to leave in the first place. 

“I will not explain anything unless I have to. However rest assured that I won’t speak ill of you to Saavik or anyone else; you should know that.” Kirk gave him a look that clearly said that he wasn’t sure if Spock in fact did know this at this point in their relationship. “In public we’ll remain as we were and I’ll always return when you need me.” He did not have to say _Pon Farr_ ; it hung unspoken between them. He allowed some of his pain and frustration, the agony in his heart and mind to shine through. “I really need some distance from you,” he added almost too softly for Spock to hear. There was almost desperation in his words as he added just as quietly, “I’m dying here.”

“Saavik may only be seven years old but she is of the House Of Surak,” Spock reminded him, fighting to remain calm. He had learned logic was the right way, the only way yet why did it suddenly feel like such a poor tool in making Jim stay? Why would he even leave in the first place? It wasn’t logical.

“I know and that will not change,” Kirk assured.

“I do not understand,” Spock persisted, trying to make sense of it all. He felt like all he had ever thought was right had suddenly been proved to be wrong. “It is logical for you to stay; thus you should stay. Logic dictates you should stay,” Spock went on, almost as if he was talking to himself. Unknown to him an almost Human desperation crept into his voice. “You can not break our bond; we are bonded for life and we had a daughter together.”

Kirk nodded gravely. “All true.”

“Then you should stay,” Spock insisted, his face almost betraying a hint of emotion; fear. 

“Spock,” Kirk said softly, sadly, but gently as if explaining something simple to a child who still didn’t understand, “love is never logical.”

“Logic is the right path,” Spock insisted though a hint of doubt had entered his voice. He knew he was losing Kirk and the thought threatened to undo all his carefully archived control. Logic was the right path; he had been so sure of it. However suddenly he wasn’t as sure as he had been before this conversation had started. 

Kirk’s features grew softer as he saw Spock’s inner struggles reflected in his eyes. “Saavik will always be your daughter as well as mine but I don’t want her to have to fight like you did and still do. You’re being torn apart. I want her to learn about logic and IDIC but I also want her to know that having emotions is not a sin.”

Silence fell between them, neither knowing what else to do or say. Kirk had a sudden feeling that neither of them wished for this to happen yet the moment Kirk had hoped for never came. Spock did not take him in his arms and he didn’t ask him to stay. Kirk knew all he had to do was back down and say he would stay and it would be the end of it. But nothing would have changed and status quo was killing him. No, he had to do this.

“I’ll leave in the morning.” The words hung between them as Kirk went to the door, wanting to look in on Saavik to make sure she was still asleep. His thoughts elsewhere, he did not see that he was leaving Spock battling with himself. 

He had been logical, been as Vulcan as he could be, Spock reasoned. Why did it feel like he had done the wrong thing, taken the wrong choice?

“Jim…” It was the first time since he had started on his journey towards inner peace and total logic through the Vulcan way that he had used Kirk’s nickname. ~~~~

The loved name spoken from Spock’s lips now brought a taste of bittersweet sadness to Kirk. He turned in the doorway and looked at Spock, now seeing the battle that was raging but also seeing that he was still unable to make peace between his logical and emotional halves. The war still raged.

”Spock…,” he paused, trying to find the right words. Finally he simply asked, “Was there a time when you could feel love for me? Even if it was just for a moment?”

Spock felt like he was about to die to hear those sad words spoken from Kirk’s lips. In a brief flash of emotion he felt like he was about to lose something which had far higher value than Vulcan traditions and the acceptance and respect of other Vulcans, even his father. He drew on all his control to keep from falling apart. Logic was the way; it was the answer. It had to be. ”There were…moments in the past where I could permit myself to feel that; yes.”

Kirk smiled warmly and his eyes glimmered with unshed tears. “Thank you for that.”

Then he was gone and Spock felt more cold and alone than he ever had. 

*

Leonard McCoy had never approved of Kirk and Spock’s bonding but he had still tried to maintain a relationship with them. He had never been able to see how a man as alive and with as deep emotions as Kirk could ever be happy with a Vulcan, let alone Spock. When Kirk had told him he had agreed to live on Vulcan during the Enterprise’s refitting period after their 5 year mission, McCoy had been unable to keep silent any longer. He had accused Kirk of living in a fantasy and refusing to admit Spock would never be able to give him the love he sought. 

They had parted in anger and McCoy had regretted his words ever since. He had kept tabs on his friends, though he hadn’t had any contact with them since. Kirk had been his best friend for years and, though he had come to care for Spock, McCoy knew he would never be able to feel as strongly for the Vulcan as he did for Kirk. There were only a handful of people who could claim to hold a piece of McCoy’s heart and Kirk was one of them. When he had heard that Spock apparently tried to receive as much of the Kolinahr training as was possible outside of Gol, he had been concerned to put it mildly. Three weeks ago when Kirk had returned to Earth with only his adopted daughter, he had known something was very wrong.

He had approached Kirk and found his friend was only holding himself together because of his love for his ship and for his daughter. Never had McCoy seen such sadness and hopelessness in Kirk’s eyes. Gone was the proud warrior Captain who had been so sure that he could beat any enemy; in his place stood a man who had finally felt true defeat and seen his dreams shatter.

Depressed, Kirk had welcomed McCoy back into his life. McCoy had invited Kirk out for dinner in a nice restaurant near Kirk’s San Francisco apartment, giving them both an opportunity to talk and catch up. Kirk had looked forward to the meeting and had left Saavik with a sitter. But now that the two old friends sat opposite each other and all pleasantries and facts about the last months had been exchanged the air suddenly seemed tense; the past standing between them as tall as a wall.

“So, are you gonna tell me what happened?” McCoy broke the silence with his usual forthrightness as the waiter disappeared with their dinner orders.

Kirk sighed. “There’s not much to tell.”

“Yeah, I know. Spock and you just decided that Saavik would be better off living with you here on Earth for some time. I saw the interviews you gave.” Spock and Kirk both had very high profile lives; having the press follow their every move was a fact they couldn’t escape. McCoy took a deep breath before he went on, “Jim, I still think you might have made a mistake with Spock but I shouldn’t have said it like that.” His face and eyes were serious but warm. “You know how I get when I’m concerned.”

Kirk smiled a little, accepting McCoy’s unvoiced apology with a nod of his head.

Relieved to have broken the ice between them McCoy leaned over the table, speaking with his usual curiosity and bluntness. “Now that’s settled I’m asking you again why you left Vulcan and this time I’m asking as your friend.” He foresaw Kirk’s instant reply and added,” and don’t try denying nothing is wrong. I know you too well.”

Kirk gave him a small smile, giving up the pretence when he saw that McCoy wasn’t buying it. “Yes, I guess you do.” He was silent for a moment before he went on, “I guess that’s the whole point.”

“What is?”

“Knowing each other.” He grew thoughtful for a minute. “I thought I knew Spock but I guess I don’t.”

McCoy nodded in encouragement for him to go on; opening up and speaking about things was the first step towards feeling better. “And why is that?”

Kirk made a hand gesture to indicate confusion. “I always knew he wanted to be Vulcan and that he considered himself as such but before he went to do the Kolinahr disciplines he was never this much Vulcan.”

“How do you feel he has changed?” McCoy easily fell back into psychologist mode but Kirk didn’t seem to mind, only too happy to finally have someone he could confide in.

“When I first fell in love with Spock I thought it was an impossible situation,” Kirk began with the beginning. “I was sure he would never see me that way. I tried to let friendship be enough because I always knew that friendship was more than I could ever demand or expect from a Vulcan and yet I had that from Spock.” Kirk grimaced. He didn’t even have that anymore.

“So you were sure Spock could not love you and tried to accept this,” McCoy supplied when Kirk remained locked in thoughts. 

Kirk nodded. “I tried to love the women I dated but none of them could ever measure up to Spock.”

“None of them?” McCoy pressed, surprised.

Kirk gave him a piercing look. “You know well the three women I **did** love.”

“Edith, Miramanee and Rayna,” McCoy replied, not having to think about his answer. His friend’s grief at losing each of them had been deep and profound; speaking of a love that had been stronger than any words could describe.

“Yes. All women I might have loved strongly enough to forget Spock and be content with sharing a lifetime with them,” Kirk said softly. Pain echoed in his eyes and voice as he added, “And they all died.”

“Did you love them for who they were…or because they somehow reminded you of Spock?” McCoy asked softly, trying hard not to belittle Kirk’s grief and losses. He was slowly starting to form a psychological evaluation of his friend without intending to.

“I did love them,” Kirk insisted sharply.

“I know but didn’t you search for certain characteristics in the people you dated and couldn’t it be that Spock has some of them and that these women had some as well?”

Kirk was silent for a moment, considering this. “I did fall in love very fast all three times,” he admitted. “I loved Edith because of her goodness and valor…things I also love in Spock.” Recognition entered his voice and eyes. “Miramanee was kind hearted, a bit naïve and she stood by me ‘til the end even though she knew it could mean her death,” Kirk said softly, grief in his voice. “Those are all qualities of loyalty and a deeply felt friendship that I also like in Spock.”

“And Rayna?” McCoy asked, a bit hesitant to press the issue since Kirk had seemed particularly heartbroken about her death though he had recovered very quickly despite that first night where McCoy thought he might break down. 

Kirk frowned. “For some reason her memory does not hurt me the way the others’ do but I remember her elegance, class, grace and amazing intelligence made her so like Spock that I fell in love with her at once.” He looked thoughtful. “Strange that I don’t feel more grief over this. She did enter my life at a time where I thought I couldn’t have Spock and she possessed so many of the qualities I want in a life companion.”

“These women’s similarity to Spock, who you already loved, could explain how you could fall so deeply in love with them so quickly,” McCoy confirmed Kirk’s own thoughts. “Anyone who has lost what you have would be discouraged to try searching for love again but these women should prove to you that you can find the qualities you want in a life companion in someone other than Spock.” McCoy wanted Kirk to know that though things seemed grim new relationships and loves could be found.

“Most likely but I do not want to try,” Kirk said, his voice leaving no room for argument, his eyes warning McCoy from even going there.

McCoy nodded in acceptance. It was now clear to him that Kirk wished a reunion with Spock and not a total break from him. “How did you ever decide to approach Spock in the first place?” McCoy asked, intrigued despite himself. If Kirk had kept his love for his Vulcan First Officer hidden for so long what had made him ever admit to it?

“After Rayna’s death I came to the conclusion I didn’t want to lose any more people I loved. I saw three options: I could remain alone all my life or I could accept that all my love affairs would remain fleeting to ensure I never came to love any of them. Neither option appealed to me. The last option was that I admitted my feelings to Spock. Though I was afraid of losing his friendship I still wanted to give myself the chance.” He threw McCoy a smile that never reached his eyes. “When our mission was about to come to an end I realized that if I remained silent I would lose him anyway. So I decided to approach him. I told myself that I would settle for whatever he, as a Vulcan, would be able to give me, even if it could only be friendship. To my relief, Spock wasn’t shocked or disgusted by my admission of love. He simply called my statement ‘fascinating’ before he admitted that a union would be agreeable.” Kirk had to take a deep calming breath as memories of how hopeful and naïve he had been back then rushed back to him.

“ However, he warned me that if he agreed to bond with me our marriage would be forever and unbreakable. He asked me to think about the consequences of it. A bond would mean that he could read my emotions and thoughts and I wouldn’t be able to block him whereas he, being a telepath, would be able to block my access to his mind. He warned me that he would probably block me out most of the time so that my emotions wouldn’t shatter his control over his own emotions. He also warned that if we bonded, I would have to follow Vulcan customs when on Vulcan or around other Vulcans so that his House would not be shamed by my emotional behavior.” He caught McCoy’s disgusted look at such a request but Kirk ignored it as he remembered he himself had been sure Spock would never go through with such a request and if he did it would only demand a certain damper on his behavior and not a total rewriting of all his responses.

“I knew I’d have to settle for less even if we became lovers, but, I have to admit, those words did make me reconsider.” He smiled a smile filled with irony at McCoy, “But you know me, in for a pound.... And for a while, it was okay. I thought that when we were in private Spock would eventually become more affectionate. I thought in time he would forget about it or that it didn’t really mean all that much. I thought about Sarek and Amanda. She is controlled in public and still manages to convey warmth. Surely Sarek must be loving in private for her to be that happy with him. With this bouncing around in my head, I agreed to his conditions for a bonding.” 

“And he finally agreed to bond with you,” McCoy guessed, surprised and awed at how far Kirk had been willing to go for love. He wasn’t sure he approved of such stoic sacrifice or careless loving but he had to admire it all the same. He knew he would neither have the courage to go into such an arrangement nor would he have the ability to change so drastically for another; even someone he loved.

Kirk nodded, his expression grim. “Yes but he did stress the fact that he expected I acted Vulcan when on Vulcan or with Vulcans.”

“And you accepted this?” McCoy’s disbelief was clear.

“You don’t understand,” Kirk insisted. How could he explain when he didn’t understand himself? It was more than blind love and faith; he truly hadn’t believed this condition would matter. At the time he had agreed they had been in space; the only Vulcan around had been Spock. The circumstances Spock had painted had seemed so far away; so unreal that even if he had to go through with it at that time it hadn’t seemed to matter much. “And at first it really was as good as I had dreamt it would be. Spock was never verbal with his love but in private he was still…loving.” A fond smile of remembrance crossed his face until the bitterness of the last couple of months returned with brutal force.

“I settled for just the fact that Spock remembered to always call me ’Jim’ when we were alone. I took that as a sign if his love. When we made love and I’d tell him how much I loved him, he’d say that he found our arrangement logical as well as pleasurable.” Kirk gave a pained and somewhat embarrassed grimace which almost shattered his friend’s heart. “I heard ‘I love you too’. Then our mission ended and while I waited for the Enterprise to be refitted, Spock voiced a wish to go to Vulcan and find himself and his place in the galaxy. Of course, I’d rather have stayed on Earth, but I bit my tongue and we were off to Vulcan. There wasn’t much for me to do while I waited for the ship, so I got an administrative job with Starfleet. Really boring. And things got worse when Spock began to become even more Vulcan with each passing day.”

He stopped and looked soulfully at McCoy. “Making love outside of Pon Farr was suddenly illogical as were even the smallest signs of affection. I gave up telling him I loved him, since he only told me that was ‘illogical’. I took a job at the Terran embassy, it turned out that with my past experiences I have a talent for diplomacy.” He gave a shrug as if to say ‘who would have thought?’ “Of course my true passion was still to return to the ship, but until then working at the Embassy helped me try and pretend that our family life wasn’t non existent.”

“And now? Almost two years after your bonding?” McCoy asked, knowing well in which direction Kirk’s reply would go but needing Kirk to say it.

Kirk sighed. He was a man of his word but he had always been a man of great emotions as well. Despite his love even he had a breakpoint and he found he had reached it. He had tried, he had fought…and now he had to admit defeat. It left a depressing cloud around his heart and a sour taste on his tongue but he had tried giving all he had; he now found he had nothing left to give. “It was hard to hide my emotions while we were on Vulcan but I wanted my bonding to work and I had given my word that I would not embarrass his House. I loved him and I was foolish enough to believe I could somehow make Spock return that love. I tried everything yet Spock never opened up to me no matter what I did.” With a twisted smile at the irony of it he added, “Quite the opposite actually.”

Despite McCoy’s warnings that Spock would never be able to return his affection, Kirk hadn’t given up. He had studied Vulcan history, customs and language to make sure he would be able to keep his promise to Spock and not accidentally step on any toes when they were on Vulcan. He had taken special care to behave proper when he was around Sarek, who had only reluctantly approved their bonding and who, Kirk was sure, Spock desperately wanted to please even though he would never admit to it. 

“Jim…have you ever considered that maybe you have been too accommodating with Spock?” McCoy asked softly, his voice intense. After Kirk’s tale McCoy had the strongest urge to go to Vulcan and beat Spock upside the head with his stupid logic. He had never cared much for Vulcan’s social and philosophical rules and now thought even less of the whole arrangement. It just wasn’t…right.

Kirk gave him a piercing look. “What do you mean?”  
  


“I’ve known you for many years now,” McCoy began, “and you have always searched for love with an almost desperate intensity. Perfect and true love became a goal to be reached and you had your own idea of just what true love was. Before your bonding, you had a lot of broken relationships; many of which I’m certain you believe yourself to be at fault for their failure. Could it be now that you finally had Spock you were so determined to make your own fairytale version of love come true that you overcompensated? Even to the point that you saw love where there was none?” His expression was not without compassion but it was clear he had reached the conclusion to his psychological evaluation of the whole situation.

Kirk frowned. “What exactly are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that the reason I protested your bonding is not that I have anything against Spock or Vulcans in general. I just couldn’t see the two of you as having a productive and healthy relationship.”

“You’re wrong,” Kirk protested though a hint of doubt was in his voice.

“You think you’ve had a healthy relationship? Have you both made compromises and sacrifices?” McCoy added more softly, “I know why my own marriage ended and it was because I would not compromise a career on a starship for life planetside.”

“If Spock hadn’t started those Kolinahr disciplines we wouldn’t have this discussion,” Kirk mumbled darkly, firmly placing the blame for all his misery there as he silently cursed Gol and its Masters to hell twenty times over.

“Sadly, no, but it would still have been necessary.”

Kirk gave him a hard look. “What do you mean by that?”

“Jim, it wasn’t that Spock chose to attend some Kolinahr disciplines that tore you apart. It’s your… his and your inability to establish a common ground. He is half Vulcan and half human. As long as he can’t accept that he can’t have a healthy relationship with anyone. And you cannot keep accommodating him. On some points, fine but you cannot keep changing. If you do you will one day wake up and resent him - and yourself - for all the wasted years and for having become someone you never wished to be. ” There was an edge of desperation and fear to McCoy’s words; he was almost pleading with his friend to see the truth of his statement. Kirk and Spock seemed to have entered a self-destructive pattern in their bonding which McCoy was determined to break. 

Kirk gave McCoy’s words some serious thought before he spoke again. “So where does that leave us?”

McCoy sighed with relief at the hint of acceptance of his statement in Kirk’s words. His voice was calmer as he replied, “Where do you want it to leave you?”

Determination and familiar fire flared in Kirk’s eyes. “I want my marriage to work. Despite what you just told me I still believe we can make it work. We have worked well together for years. When we can balance our differences so perfectly in our work life we should be able to do the same in our personal life as well.”

“A marriage, a bonding, demands more work than a friendship,” McCoy reminded.

“I know but I’m willing to work on it…if Spock would just do the same,” Kirk said, his voice almost wishful and filled with frustration. Spock could have fought harder to prevent him from leaving…he could have fought harder for their love in general. Yet on the other hand to do so would be illogical; what was, was. He had known as he had left that the way things had been had not been working out and this conversation with McCoy had only strengthened this belief. However he still wanted to believe that things could be turned around though he had to admit it was hard to keep faith. One of these days he feared he had to face facts and accept that this was another relationship that, despite all his attempts and wishes for the contrary, hadn’t and wouldn’t work out. 

“You still love him.” McCoy couldn’t quite hide the surprise and disbelief in his voice.

It was not a question but Kirk still answered. “I never stopped.”

McCoy nodded. Kirk would not be happy without Spock and even though McCoy still couldn’t understand what Kirk saw in the Vulcan he decided he had to do something. He wouldn’t allow Kirk to suffer if he could prevent it. Even though he doubted he could give Kirk what he wanted – Spock – he thought he might have a chance to bring him at peace with the changes in his lives and marriage. 

*

“Spock! Spock, where are you, you green-blooded, pointy-eared…” McCoy mumbled angrily under his breath as he entered the house on Vulcan Spock had shared with Kirk since the end of their mission. 

He couldn’t leave things like they were. His best friend was hurting and he had to make things better. So he had done the only thing he could think of; he had taken the first transport to Vulcan. He hadn’t told Kirk he was going, as he was sure Kirk would have been angered by his interference into his life. McCoy had to find some way to get the address for the home Kirk had shared with Spock on Vulcan. Since both men wished privacy and both had prices on their heads, especially Kirk by the Klingons and a dozen other warring races, their address was not accessible to the public. Luckily Spock’s parents had given him an open invitation to their home as thanks for him saving Spock and Sarek’s life during the Babel mission. He had never taken them up on their offer before but had done so now.

When he had arrived, he and Amanda had sat for some time and talked about Spock and Amanda had voiced her happiness for Spock’s bonding to Kirk as well as her concern for her son’s distance and her sadness that he was attempting the Kolinahr disciplines. After some time Sarek had joined them.

“What manner of business brings you to Vulcan, Doctor?” Sarek had asked after they had exchanged pleasantries. Sarek had as always held an aura of authority and had strong control over his emotions which had made it hard for McCoy to read him. Nevertheless McCoy had been as blunt as always, believing Amanda would be on his side.

“I want to look in on Jim and Spock.” McCoy had felt it safer to add Jim to this conversation as it would be more plausible he wanted to see Jim than Spock. He had hoped Sarek would not question him further.

Sarek had raised an eyebrow at him, a gesture which had reminded McCoy of Spock. “My son’s bondmate is on Earth with my granddaughter. Since every news station in the Federation has been broadcasting this together with every speculation as to why he has returned to Terra without my son I find it hard to believe you came here not knowing this.”

“I do know. I came to see Spock,” McCoy had persisted, unable to detect what Sarek might feel or think about Kirk’s leaving.

“I held a lecture at the Vulcan Science Academy today and was told my son has resigned his position there as he has with Starfleet and with his Kolinahr instructors.”

“Why didn’t he tell me?” Amanda had wondered out loud, worry written clearly on her face.

“One does not discuss such matters openly when the reason for leaving is private,” Sarek had said but his voice had softened when he had spoken to his wife. 

“When did he resign his positions?” McCoy had asked, thinking that if he had left because of Kirk then maybe there was still hope that he hadn’t lost all emotions.

“19.45 days ago. 1.78 days after his bondmate left Vulcan.”

There had been a gleam in Sarek’s eyes that McCoy hadn’t quite been able to make out. McCoy had tried to contain a smile. There was still hope then. “What’s their address?”

“My son is not receiving visitors. He left a message at his former office at the VSA asking that his privacy be respected.” Sarek had given him an intense look. “On Vulcan such a request is to be obeyed.”

“But surely you’ll agree…” McCoy had begun, warming up to a longer and emotional debate when Sarek had raised a hand and interrupted.

“However, if I were to write down the address and place it on the table…” as he had spoken Sarek had written something on a small handheld PAD and had placed it on the table, earning him a loving smile from Amanda and a wide grin from McCoy.

“Of course. Privacy should be respected,” McCoy had agreed, still grinning. His opinion of Sarek had sky rocked at this point.

Sarek had risen, with a hand gesture indicating Amanda should do likewise. 

“Sometimes, doctor, tradition is not the best solution. Diversity is, after all, quite logical.”

Amanda had smiled as her fingers on her right hand had touched Sarek’s in the Vulcan embrace. They had left the room, Amanda beaming with joy and by the warm look in Sarek’s eyes McCoy would say the Vulcan ambassador could look forward to a very nice evening.

McCoy had waited until Sarek and Amanda had left the room before he had grabbed the address. He had then driven to the house and had forced his way into the house using a picklock one of his first girlfriends had taught him how to use. Finally inside, he sent up a small prayer to whichever God was nearby for his wild youth. 

A light coming from a room further into the house made McCoy’s thoughts return to the present. “Spock,” McCoy called again as he moved towards the light.

“Go away.” The softly spoken order directed McCoy through the house and towards the bedroom. The entire house was very Vulcan in design but it had a warmth and a feel of home that could only have been Kirk’s touch. McCoy entered the room and saw Spock sitting on the large bed, holding a small holographic image of Kirk so that the hologram became alive in the palms of his folded hands. The light from the hologram bathed Spock in a soft light in the otherwise dark house. 

The image of Kirk was taken just a few weeks after their bonding, while he still looked young, hopeful, alive and very much in love. He was smiling one of his radiant smiles and his eyes seemed to vibrate with adoration and affection. The image was such a sharp contrast to the man he had last seen on Earth that McCoy had to gasp.

“What part of ‘go away’ did you not understand, Doctor?” Spock’s voice grated like sandpaper, as if he hadn’t spoken for a long time. 

Looking more closely at Spock, McCoy’s anger faded as his concern grew. “Have you eaten and slept at all since Jim left?” he asked softly, suddenly feeling a sting of compassion even though he originally had come here to give Spock a piece of his mind.

Spock turned his eyes from the holograph to look at the doctor. His expression was empty – lost – but still controlled. Far too controlled in McCoy’s opinion. “I have eaten and slept enough.”

McCoy sighed and sat on the end of the bed besides Spock, his body turned towards him and his eyes focused on the Vulcan. “You do know that Jim never stopped loving you,” McCoy began, much more kindly than he had originally intended. Obviously the Vulcan was as damaged as Kirk. 

“I have closed our mental connection,” Spock said simply as way of explaining why he would be unable to know if this was true or not. There was pain in his voice. Even though he had closed the link before Kirk had left, just having him near had been a comfort. Now he was bereft.

Silence fell between them before McCoy sighed. “I never understood what Jim saw in you, why he always has and probably always will love you.”

Spock looked more intensely at him and saw something in the doctor’s eyes that not even Jim had seen, despite McCoy’s concern and constant support.

“You love him.” It was a statement but one filled with surprise.

McCoy smiled. “For a walking computer you can be insightful…at times. Of course I do. How could anyone not?”

“Your objection to Jim as my bondmate was then based on jealousy,” Spock concluded and there was a hint of relief in his words for this would remove any blame on him.

McCoy shook his head, his expression sober. He decided to be honest and direct; he had come here to save Jim but hopefully he could also save his Vulcan friend. “No, it was based on concern. I long ago realized Jim would always be my friend but nothing more. If we try for more we’ll destroy each other. He has such love for life…he’s like a flame and in the end he would destroy me for that kind of fast and intense burning was never for me. If it was the other way around and Jim gave up taking risks and in short being who he is for me then that would kill him. No, we fit as friends but not as lovers.”

Spock was thoughtful and when he spoke his voice was soft. “And you think the same is true of Jim and me?”

McCoy gave him a piercing look. “Is it?”

Spock gave a small shake of his head and a brief flash of confusion and despair crossed his features. “I…no longer know.”

“Spock,” McCoy began softly, seeing the fear and doubts tearing at the Vulcan, “it doesn’t have to be the end for you and Jim. He loves you and if the years you two have been together prove anything then it is that he’ll change a lot to try and fit into your world.”

“He knew I was Vulcan when we bonded. I never claimed otherwise,” Spock insisted but even he began to feel this defense sounded weak.

“That may be so but for a relationship to work compromises must be made. You cannot expect Jim to keep giving and return him nothing.”

“This concept is not something I am familiar with,” Spock admitted. A relationship was based on logic. One partner would not make compromises for the other without this being the logical thing to do and if it was logical there would be no reason to resent the action.

“I know. Being logical creatures you probably don’t have much in the way of relationship issues…things are the way they are or whatever it is you say,” McCoy beat him to his explanation.

“Your statement is inaccurate but essentially true.”

“Spock, to be direct…most people base their own relationship on their parents’. Either they try to mimic it or totally avoid it. Now, I don’t know whether or not Amanda always said she loved you and your father or she never did and you wished she had. And I don’t know that if she did show affection, you always saw your father as being non-responsive to it but, in any case, it seems clear to me that you’re trying to mimic your parents’ relationship the way you see it. You’re replaying Sarek’s role and you’ve cast Jim in Amanda’s role simply because, like your mother, Jim is human and like your father you see yourself as Vulcan.” McCoy had entered doctor mode, evaluating and analyzing as he went along. 

“Since they are the only human-Vulcan couple alive it would seem a logical thing to do,” Spock insisted. Thinking about it, he had to admit he was indeed replaying his parents marriage with himself acting as stoic as he recalled his father being. His mother had once told him that everyone had emotions and that Sarek showed his to her through their mental link and when they were alone. Yet Spock had never been able to accept this because he had never seen anything but proper Vulcan behavior from his father. 

“That may be but you don’t know how your parents act in private and besides…Jim and you are not your parents. What may work for them will most likely not work for you because you’re not the same people.”

“It is not that easy,” Spock said softly, his gaze returning to the smiling Jim in the hologram. This was how he had always preferred seeing his bondmate: like a star, filled with life, love, warmth and laughter. Yet when Kirk had left him there had been none of it left. He had loved Kirk for his humanity that had been balanced with logic, intelligence and reason but now he realized that he had unknowingly tried to change Kirk so that it was the logical side in him that was dominant and not the human side. A shiver ran through him as he was forced to consider that he had been the one who had killed many of the things that he appreciated the most in his lover and that the things he appreciated the most had been Kirk’s emotions of love and warmth. 

“I know,” McCoy admitted sympathetically. “But sooner or later you have to make up your mind. You were born with one leg standing in two very different cultures. You could choose one and deny the other but the fact is that you're a product of both so why not take the best of both worlds?” For McCoy to admit that there were in fact good aspects to Vulcan way of life was an admission he had only come to after he had lost Jim, not only to Spock but also to Vulcan. He had read up on Vulcan and its history and had admitted it did have some good qualities. However, until the day he died he would still insist Vulcan philosophy had to be mixed with some good old fashioned human emotion to make things work. 

“Emotions and logic rarely work well together,” Spock said softly though thoughtfully. What McCoy had said did in fact sound logical.

“Then make it work.” Silence settled between them until McCoy rose and walked to the door. He cast a look at Spock’s ragged figure as the Vulcan was again consumed by watching the hologram of Kirk. “You’re miserable without each other but if you don’t find a way to reach him now you’ll lose him. His loyalty will bid him to remain faithful and do all the duties expected of a bondmate, as he swore to do at your bonding, but in the end even his heart, strong as it may seem, won’t be able to keep holding out. You’ll lose him forever.”

“I…I do not know what to do,” Spock admitted softly, painfully, almost as if he spoke to himself, his eyes still on the hologram. “I always thought logic was the true path, the correct path yet it has brought me here.”

Spock’s voice sounded endlessly lost and broken and it tore at McCoy’s heart but he knew Spock had to be the one to figure out what to do. “If you can’t compromise your logic for him…then you never deserved him,” McCoy said and his voice seemed to echo in the room. Without another word, he left the bedroom and the house, knowing that whatever choice Spock made, it had to be his alone. He had done all he could do. 

*

“Jim.”

Kirk was startled by the softly spoken name and was torn from his thoughts. He would have recognized the voice anywhere but he was still surprised to turn around and find Spock standing there. He had missed Spock more than he would have thought possible even though he had felt that Spock had been lost to him long before he had left. Yet hearing Spock address him by his nickname again made foolish hope bloom in his heart.

A smile spread across his face as his eyes settled on the Vulcan before he could stop himself. “Spock.”

Tomorrow he would get the Enterprise back but after almost four weeks apart from Spock that victory seemed hollow. He had never sold his apartment in San Francisco so he had moved back in there. Though he was happy to be back on Earth, he had still had to force himself to appear cheerful. Having Saavik with him had helped a lot. With her youthful curiosity she was fascinated and impressed by all the new things she saw on Earth. Today Kirk had shown her the Intergalactic School she would be attending. Unfortunately, given that she was both a child of Spock’s House and the daughter of James T. Kirk, and he had to admit that he had made his share of enemies through the years, he had had to assign her a bodyguard for when she had to go to school without him. When Kirk again captained the Enterprise she would be living with his mother when Spock’s parents were not on Earth in which case she would live with them so she would know both cultures. He already knew he would miss his daughter terribly but commanding a starship was what he did and what he loved to do. However despite the love for his job and his ship he was sure when he began this new tour of duty he would for the first time truly understand why people who worked in space looked forth to shore leave with such intensity. 

Seeing so many new things had been tiring on Saavik and he had had put her to bed early. It was now almost midnight and, after making sure Saavik was still sleeping, he had left a kind neighbor to watch over her before he had gone to the docks to get some fresh air and think. After an hour of thinking about Spock and about whether or not he had been the one who hadn’t fought hard enough or if he had done something wrong, he had ended up on a small outdoor café which overlooked the bay. Kirk recalled with pained intensity that his precious love affairs before Spock had all ended in disaster and now the one relationship he had put everything he had into, which just couldn’t go wrong…had gone very wrong.

To admit that he had done his best to keep their relationship together and he had still failed was a depressing thought but it was one Kirk knew he had to learn how to live with.

“I wish to speak with you,” Spock began softly in Standard and Kirk nodded, momentarily stunned that Spock hadn’t spoken in Vulcan. He indicated the chair opposite his own across the small table in the café and Spock sat down. To Kirk’s surprise, Spock took a deep and pained breath and his face betrayed regret. He was even more surprised when Spock reached out and took hold of Kirk’s hands, holding them tight in his own across the table. Despite the hour, the café wasn’t empty and Kirk wasn’t sure what to make of this first public sign of affection that Spock had ever given him. 

He fought to still the hope that was rising but it was hard when he had dreamed of moments like these ever since he had first fallen in love with Spock.

“I must ask your forgiveness though I have no right to do so,” Spock began softly, sounding so lost and sad that Kirk’s heart was breaking. 

Kirk shook his head. “You have nothing to ask forgiveness for. You are Vulcan. As you told me not long after we first met, it’s not because you’re insensitive, it’s just the way you are. I should have accepted that and I thought I had accepted that there were some things you as a Vulcan would never be able to do.” Kirk paused and pain flashed across his features. “I guess my heart just wasn’t able to live with there being so few things left after that.”

Spock’s eyes reflected deep sorrow and he squeezed Jim’s hands. “Jim. T’hy’la. I have wronged thee.”

Kirk had to fight the lump in his throat. Spock hadn’t called him t’hy’la since they had moved to Vulcan. 

“It’s okay.” He didn’t know what else to say.

Spock raised an eyebrow and now guilt was clear in his features. “You should not forgive me so easily.”

Kirk smiled reassuringly, wishing to ease the pain he saw in his lover’s eyes. He had long ago figured out that Spock was at least as good at blaming himself as he was. “But I do.”

Spock’s lips turned upwards slightly in a gesture only Kirk would be able to recognize as a smile. “Perhaps McCoy is right…I do not deserve you.”

Kirk shook his head. “Nonsense. Bones has no right to interfere in my private life. Besides…I married you and not him so let me be the judge of who’s worthy and not.”

“You do not understand.” Spock took a deep breath before he continued. He could do this. “I loved you. I have always loved you.” The world did not end because he had admitted to his feelings and he found that saying those words weren’t hard after all. In fact it was a relief to finally admit to it.

Kirk’s expression went from one of pure shock to pure joy, making Spock regret more than ever that he had denied his love this moment for so long. 

Kirk felt like he should die from happiness. He had dreamed of hearing those words from Spock for what felt like ages. He was smiling widely and his eyes were aglow. “I lov…” he began but Spock put a finger against his lips, still holding one of his hands with his other hand.

“No, t’hy’la, do not say it. If you still feel this way after I have explained then…then I may begin to believe in McCoy’s so called miracles,” he said softly, his eyes intense.

Kirk nodded as Spock drew back into his own seat. “Okay, speak,” Kirk encouraged, not sure what to expect but even the hint of fear Spock’s words had given him could not kill his joy and happiness at hearing that Spock loved him…or at least had done so. The latter reminder did manage to strangle his happiness but only by a fraction; if he could admit he had loved him once there was hope and that was all that mattered. 

Spock took a deep and calming breath as he once more took hold of Jim’s hands with both of his as if holding on for dear life. “Jim, you know better than most that I have spent my entire life battling and denying my human half. Bonding with you was not a decision based on logic but one based on emotions. I could not admit this to myself. I see now that I should have considered who I wanted to be before I bonded with you but I did not and therefore you became a pawn in the battle between my human and my Vulcan half.”

“I figured it was something like that,” Kirk said, sympathy and understanding for Spock’s pain clear in his words.

“You do not understand,” Spock insisted miserably. “I knew I was hurting you yet I kept pushing you away. Having you near was tempting my human half, my emotions, and I was shamed and afraid of that. I sought the Gol Masters to try and end the conflict.”

“And did you?” Kirk asked, though he had to fight back waves of sadness this very thought brought him. If Spock had really managed to master most of the Kolinahr disciples he would have lost him for sure. Yet if he had shouldn’t he be even colder towards him than when they had met instead of so much warmer?

“Yes.”

Kirk’s heart missed a beat until Spock went on, “But it was not the Gol Masters who made me find my path but Dr. McCoy.”

“What do you mean?” He couldn’t quite keep hope and excitement out of his voice, forgetting his original annoyance at McCoy’s interference in his life. In fact if Spock was saying what he was hoping he was then he just might have to get McCoy some of that expensive Romulan Ale he liked so much.

“He told me I had to find out what I wanted from life and now I know.” Spock’s expression was serious and certain; there was no hesitation or doubt left. He maintained his hold on both of Kirk’s hands as he walked around the table so he could kneel on one knee before the shocked and moved human. Spock looked up and into Kirk’s eyes.

Kirk’s expression softened at the sight of the man he had loved so painfully for so long making a gesture Kirk hoped meant that he was finally coming back to him. “T’hy’la, sharing my life with you is all I ever wanted. I will always be a son of Vulcan but I am also a son of Earth. Why should I not be able to be emotional in private with my lover and our daughter and remain logical in public?” Spock asked and affection was shining in his eyes just as peace and certainty over his resolve in regard to his inner battle was clear in his words.

“That…that sounds like a good compromise,” Kirk said huskily, holding his breath. Suddenly he felt their link open and a wave of warm love washed over him. One look at Spock’s awed face told him that the wave had moved his way as well.

“It is no dream, beloved,” Spock said softly, easily picking up on Kirk’s thoughts. Only now did Spock realize how much Kirk had changed and given up for him. For Vulcans a mental link was normal and sought after but it was in general a frightening thought for humans, especially since they, as non-telepaths, had no control over the link.

Yet Kirk had always been a daredevil who would do almost anything for love. Spock realized just how fortunate he was that Kirk had never once feared the mystical aspect of himself and Vulcan in general. Kirk had generally missed the link to his Vulcan lover; had missed having his warm presence constantly linger in the back of his mind. This knowledge humbled and amazed Spock, making him feel privileged to be able to call this man his bondmate. 

“But if it is a dream, then I want to dream forever,” Kirk insisted and grinned joyfully, his eyes once more reflecting the sun like they had on Spock’s hologram. He pulled up on Spock’s hands to get him to rise but the Vulcan remained kneeling.

“Beloved, I cannot remove the hurt I have caused you or the mistakes I have made in the past but this time please allow me to do it right,” Spock insisted softly but strongly as he planted a soft kiss to each of Kirk’s hands in turn before their eyes locked again. Kirk’s eyes were filled with awe, affection and love at Spock’s gesture. “T’hy’la, I love you. I always was and always shall be yours. Will you bond with me?”

Kirk smiled even more; all his dreams and hopes had come true. In the cause of a few minutes Spock had made everything right in his world. Once more he pulled on Spock’s hands and this time the Vulcan allowed himself to be helped to his feet. Kirk rose as well so he could put his arms around Spock’s neck in a warm and passionate embrace. 

“Quite an illogical question when we’re already bonded for life,” Kirk teased, before he kissed his bondmate with all the love, fire and life he held inside. When he felt Spock’s arms close around him and hold him close he could have cheered. In the future he wouldn’t push such openly public displays of affection on Spock but tonight he needed it and Spock seemed to understand. His eyes were still sparkling when they drew apart. 

“Of course I’ll bond with you,” he said fondly. Never had he known such happiness as what he felt at this moment.

Spock’s heart swelled and threatened to burst from joy and happiness. Finally he was home. Finally he had found that which would make him whole. It had been here in front of him the whole time; he had just been too blind to see it. “I shall do my best to make you happy. I cannot promise I will never hurt you again, but I will make it my mission to try not to. I will try to be more considerate of your, and our daughter’s, emotional needs,” Spock solemnly promised.

Kirk smiled warmly and drew back a bit from Spock yet stayed within his arms so that he could form the two-fingered Vulcan embrace on one hand. 

Spock’s fingers touched his and the Vulcan’s eyes were bright with joyful affection.

“We’ll make it work. This time around…we will make it work.”

It would be a battle at times, both knew it even as Kirk spoke the words, but this time they were also determined to find a way to make things work. Kirk would have his ship, and Spock would go with him. In return Kirk had already decided that if Spock wanted them to live some months of the year on Vulcan then it was fair but from now on they’d make compromises.

No more settling for less and suffering alone. This time around they would beat the odds and make things right. As Captain and First officer, as lovers, as parents, as the first same sex human-Vulcan couple ever…They would beat all the odds stacked against them and win this battle.

Sealing their pledge, their lips met in a loving and passionate kiss, promising more…promising forever and then some.

The end


End file.
